Time, Priorities, and a Side of Aloha

I once thought about how amusing it would be to make up some kind of board game based on what it takes to “succeed” in my life…but I quickly realized the rule book would be thicker than the local Yellow Pages. So many areas to “score points” in…so many pitfalls that could set you back…

These days I find myself busy pretty much constantly. I am in one of those periods where I end up not doing some very minor stuff because I didn’t feel I had the two minutes it would take to dig up a pen and my planner while I was flying between activities and it crossed my mind. I’m doing chair massage at New Leaf in Capitola, my private practice of Swedish/integrated massage, a lot of practice in lomilomi – 2-3 practice sessions a week now…I’m in hula class, planning to start a Hawaiian language course online at the end of April…my involvement with the Santa Cruz Indian Council continues…I haven’t been playing guitar much…I want to do an open mike soon but just haven’t gotten my act together lately, literally…and then of course there are those things we all need to do…taking out the trash, cleaning the house, doing the shopping…and that’s before interpersonal relationships come in, in all their varied and delightful forms.

Last night it occurred to me that it would be great to learn ipu, the Hawaiian gourd-drum. Suddenly – but with humor and quite gently – I put my foot down. I basically told myself, “you know, you don’t have to learn to do everything in the world yourself. That’s why there are other people out there. Let somebody else play ipu. You can hula to it. After all, you can’t really do both at once. Trust somebody else to hold up their corner of the world, okay?” I started questioning after that if I’ve been trying to do stuff that could actually be safely left to other people…or nobody at all. I’ve often wished I could hire an assistant…well what if the world already is my assistant sometimes and I just haven’t noticed? What if I let somebody else do something and I just focused in on the things I most wanted or needed to do myself that much more?

Doing my best…

This is definitely a time of initiation for me. I felt it coming on a couple of weeks ago but I ended up smack-dab in the middle of it very swiftly. There have been minor meltdowns, things to make peace with, things to do to symbolically release what doesn’t serve and call forth what does. Yesterday in particular was a time for that; I received a lomilomi session from Aravinda, aka Gregory Hyman of Santa Barbara, CA – a FABULOUS healer, and the one who first guided my heart to pursuing this work myself. I followed that with a trip to the beach to play at the waterside, and had hula class in the evening, which was wonderful.

I’m feeling called to really step forward and take it to the next level these days. Old dysfunction in several areas has got to go, Go, GO. There are people to talk to, languages and music to learn, spiritual commitments to renew and follow through with, and about a million things to do for my healing practice…it’s exciting…and yet there are only 24 hours in a day and I need about 7 of them to sleep…and yet I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that it just might be enough…and I might just be enough.

Recovering and relaxing

I seem to have approximately four modes of activity.

• flying around like a paper kite/running around like a chicken with its head cut off/shooting around as if I’m on fire
• soldiering on – meaning I’m still doing a very credible job getting things done but I’m a little less fiery
• dragging/hitting the wall
• dead halt

Now, this poses an interesting question: where, if anywhere, does relaxing fit in? I’m always either doing things with a great deal of effort and determination or basically crashing.

Well, now that this cold is close to releasing its grip on me and I wisely chose not to schedule any business activities for what has turned out to be a deliciously lazy, sunny Saturday, a funny thing happened. I woke up and just refused to panic.

Yeah, there’s a lot to do. Yeah, every day is extremely valuable. But my gosh, it feels SO good to just wake up, journal, hug the cat, put on some Beatles music, paint my nails, window shop online…and generally just enjoy a little of my time without making any kind of a big push toward anything for a while.

I’m imagining people reading this…it’s my experience that most people are either practically experts at relaxation, or they haven’t relaxed and years and seem to think it’s impossible or sometimes just plain silly to try. To the former, I say, hats off to you! I like this artform, and in some respects I dare say it’s more challenging than any instrument I ever played. To the latter, I say…try it – you’ll like it! (And yes, that includes me the next time I’m so deep in my frenzied mode that I can’t imagine putting down the busyness long enough to say “ahhhhhh…”)

Getting Cranky

If you know a Christian, a musician, a former psych student, an educator, or a massage therapist, (all of which I am or have been at one time) you likely know that they all share the same lovely quality: an unflappable calm that just flows through the room like filtered sunlight to the forest floor…

Unless, of course, we get triggered. Today has done just that for me. I got up early to do some exceedingly important things, only to find that due primarily to mechanical and/or organizational problems that I definitely did not create, none of them were possible…and I’ve ended up looking like an idiot because of it. So far today I’ve logged somewhere around six hours’ effort and and 35 miles of driving and absolutely no good has come of it that I can see. Also, if any of the problems were resolved I would feel better but they’re all still up in the air. If it keeps up this way, I’m still going to be working around most of my circumstances tomorrow.

I’m finally at a point where I could pick up and go somewhere else and try to get something or other done…maybe work on my recording project for RPM Challenge if nothing else…but I am so irritated and soul-weary from the whole thing that I really feel like I should be allowed to sleep through at least the next two days. I don’t feel like I have the energy or focus to have fun anymore today!

Couple that with the fact that today nearly everyone I know is out of town or otherwise occupied, and I’m left without much in the way of company for a pleasant distraction. I think perhaps what I’ll do is go home and listen to music…I’ve been very happy lately to find that I can listen and really focus and dive into a piece to a greater degree than I was for a long time. Maybe that will keep me from being such a cranky-pants.

Like Hitting the Wall, but Without the “Oof!”

Well, earlier this week it occurred to me that I was at one of those points where not a dingdong thing was going to happen unless I pushed with all my might.  And so I did.  I started a new round of making calls on Wednesday to clear the next big hurdle vocationally…I started rehearsing like mad for the open mike…I started putting more weights on my dumbbells for my next training increase…and before I knew it I was talking to folks about gaining steady employment left and right and heading for the stage, and bench pressing more than ever before, as well as staying up late nights working on the RPM Challenge project.

All this took a ridiculous amount of time and energy, gave me even more mental and emotional stimulation than I was getting before, and totally derailed what semblance of sleep habits I had, which was scant to begin with.  Two consecutive nights of about five and a half hours sleep per 24 hours took what would’ve been a challenging few days and made them almost impossible…almost.  But I squeezed in a half-hour power nap yesterday afternoon, got into some comfortable clothes, and headed downtown for the last big energetic push of the week, the open stage.  I made it…and I dare say it went very well indeed.

After church this morning I did quite a bit of errand-running and cleaning; once I’m out of the house and doing things I consider productive I tend to want to stay out a while and I used that to my advantage.  But ever since I came home I’ve been just sitting, more or less.  I think this is what most people call resting.  I haven’t quite hit the wall exactly, but the stillness seems quite compulsory.

The stage of the RPM Challenge project I’m in feels like bumming around and playing games with myself so I might be able to do some more of that tonight.  Outside of that, I’m glad I wrote myself a brief to-do list for the day, because not much is happening anyway!

Quality Problems

I guess if the worst thing you can say about your life is that there is too much purposeful, productive, and outright entertaining stuff to do than you can possibly manage, you might be doing okay after all.  Actually that’s not the worst thing I could say about my life, but it’s the worst thing I’m going to say, at least for the time being.

I’m gradually getting more into the meat of my project for RPM Challenge.  This is requiring not only writing and rehearsal, but trying to the best of my ability to learn how to use ProTools and also finding some royalty-free sound files to use, which is a first for me.

I’m also planning on appearing at The Poet and the Patriot’s open mike this Saturday, which means I need to rehearse.  I’d like to work in a fresh tune or two; ideally I’d be unveiling a new song this weekend but it might have to wait until next time.

Since in addition to singing and playing guitar, I also dabble in about half a dozen other instruments, it’s necessary to put forth some effort to keep in touch with all of them, so to speak.  Last year my ability to organize a coherent practice routine was floundering rather badly, so I started by declaring January “flute month” – I played the Native American flute every day from December 31st to January 30th.  Now February is “ukulele month.”  I started my daily practice on February 2 and plan to continue until March 2.  Now I also have repeating reminders in my planner to go over my flute repertoire every few days so that my month’s progress doesn’t get covered in mental mold.

The job search and other business activities continue.  I have to make a few calls this afternoon, too.  It’s hard…I’m so attracted to the idea of being able to serve someone, and it’s not as if I’m terribly hurt by rejection but it sometimes seems to come in a flood, and that gets old in a hurry.

Aside from that it’s the typical 5-ring circus in my brain; so many things I want to do and accomplish, and at the most I can really only be awake 17 hours out of the day…this is not easy!  Still, it’s fun sometimes.  I’d like to focus more on the abundance of a life focused on creation, healing, and learning rather than the overwhelm of The To-Do List that Wouldn’t Die.

What would you do…

…if you knew you could not fail?

That question was posed to me last week in Wolf Rinke’s book, Make it a Winning Life. It was far from the first time I’d heard or read the question, but it hit me like a ton of bricks this time.

Most of my life, I have lived as if I had this question tattooed on my forearm for easy reference. Similarly I read Goethe’s quote as a teenager…

Whatever you can do, or think you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

…and thought not, “wow” or “gee, I wonder if…” but, “thank goodness someone with the verbal grace and influence to make it known saw this truth.” I find it interesting how sometimes it’s not my older self but my younger self I need to reach to for guidance.

At 20, I must say I had it pretty “together” in some powerful and unusual ways. Even then, folks in their forties and fifties enjoyed communicating with me, and I think part of it was a blend of tactfulness and straightforwardness. I would wait for the right time and place, but I definitely called it as I saw it and did what I felt moved to do even if it seemed unconventional, especially when I felt the stakes were exceptionally high. But in recent times, I’ve noticed myself doing these strange little mazurkas around what I really want to say, especially when there’s something quite important that needs to be made quite clear…and wondering, “if I try to do this, will it happen or will I just end up embarrassing myself?”

There’s a reason why I read books like Make it a Winning Life. I’ve started asking myself, what would I do if I knew I could not fail? The effects are already dual.

For one, there’s the sudden increase in action and willingness. Phone calls are happening a little quicker – not that they were at all slow or delayed before, but they’re happening, say, before I shower in the morning instead of after. I’m starting to wonder if perhaps the time has come to work on a second CD, and if maybe today could be the day I get the tech support I need to get my CBR software running. It doesn’t seem so improbable anymore that I could master more than one of the instruments I have in the house, though it would surely take years of effort.   I’m wondering if perhaps, despite my busyness, I could do some more soft sculpture work once in a while just for creative variety.  What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Start now, and have faith.

Also I’m starting to notice the Pygmalion effect more than usual. When I don’t doubt that something will work, it usually does. If I just throw the book, it will end up on the bed in just the right place. Nevertheless, if I think I’m going to have trouble opening a container of pomegranate tea, I end up wearing part of it. If I rattle off an impromptu rhyme (think something like a comedic version of a poetry slam) and don’t imagine myself having any trouble with it, it comes out clear as a bell. If, on the other hand, I’m worried about stumbling over something much shorter with a lot of alliteration, however, such as ordering a “blueberry bliss” smoothie…well, last time I went to the counter feeling wound up I ordered a “blueberry briss.” Well, if the blueberries are Semitic, male, and eight days old I suppose it’s time…and hiring a rabbi to help the barista would certainly explain why a simple cup of pureed fruit costs $5…

Well, now that I have a lot of disturbing questions in my head regarding the circumcision of fruit, I suppose I’ll wrap it up by saying that this is turning out to be a good question to ask myself. And what about you, the reader? What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Rebellion and Ergonomics

I’ve been working pretty hard lately.  Promotions have taken up a lot of my time, as have practicing lomilomi and a host of other things.  Friday I felt myself beginning to rebel.

I’d just been working too much, too long, too hard, and the fact that I wasn’t really seeing commensurate results was really making the whole thing exhausting.  I finally got my body straightened out on Wednesday – I needed a massage very badly indeed – but my brain and my spirit were still balking at my overall workload.  So I pushed forward through yesterday afternoon, after which I still had things to do but nothing that absolutely had to be done right this second.   So I spent the night alternating between watching Complaints Choirs on YouTube and reading The Da Vinci Code.  (I don’t normally read much fiction but this was a gift from a dear friend.)  I don’t think I’d done a reading marathon like that in at least half a year.  It was a much-needed break.

Today my morning was pretty much spoken for before it started; I was headed to church and then had a few errands to run.  I’ve done a lot of work (errands, studying, things along those lines) today again but the good news is I got almost all the critical stuff on my list accomplished before 9pm, and there’s also been some time just for creative and enjoyable things – more reading, practicing Native American flute and violin, hugging the cat.  So I think the tide is turning; while I don’t expect to run out of work/errands to do anytime soon, it seems like there’s a little more room for me in all of this mess all of a sudden.

Following my massage Wednesday I was pain-free for the first time in a few days, and I’ve started relaxing enough to remember how to play the violin without clamping it like a vise under my chin.  I adjusted my desktop computer setup so it’s a bit easier to manage, but I still don’t find it a cozy place to sit.  I’ve been trying to stay away from it, which I think has actually helped me find something else I need – it’s too soon as of yet to tell whether it’s time that was previously being eaten up by surfing for info or whether it’s just the feeling of not being tied to this box constantly – being free.  All I know is it feels better.

Well, since I still have a couple of hours before bedtime, I think it’s a good time to go practice another instrument and enjoy myself.

Make it easy, take it easy

I dare say I’m an absolute master at crafting fine castles in the air. I’m smart enough not to ask anyone to stay the night inside without putting a foundation in underneath them, which is an edge I have over many of my fellow daydream-architects, but dang it, unless I can at least install a staircase nearby, I can’t even look in the windows myself.

Now, I think you almost have to be able to see the mansions in the clouds; it’s part of goal setting and life planning. I’m a big fan of setting and achieving broad, long-ranging goals for multiple areas of life; in fact I have a rather long, bullet-point-driven document on another window of this very computer that details how I want to develop health-wise, spiritually, artistically, and vocationally. It’s my understanding that this is one of the keys to success in life; having detailed, specific, written plans for what you want and how you plan to achieve it.

The trouble with me sometimes is that I tend to create such ridiculously detailed blueprints that they overwhelm me when I’m not on top of my game. ["PLACE TOASTER HERE, ON/OFF SWITCH FACING FRONT OF COUNTER, UNLESS EQUIPPED TO TOAST 4 OR MORE SLICES SIMULTANEOUSLY, IN WHICH CASE SEE FIG. 89..."] Also they aren’t exceptionally adjustment-friendly; if I get caught up in one respect, the whole sub-plan gets thrown off and I usually have to change several or many things, which is very demoralizing.

Sometimes people ask me how a gal my age (old enough not to specify what that age is ) got to be so serious and cerebral and in such a hurry, but it actually comes from a very feelingful place; I value life, and I understand that I don’t have an unlimited amount of time on this earth. In fact, the only thing I know for sure about my lifespan is that it will eventually end…so until it does I’m going to put every drop of juice in my being into achieving and experiencing and enjoying what I can. My mind is a very sharp, fast, and powerful tool, and that’s why I use it as much as I do – planning, figuring out how I’m going to get there, wherever there may be…

But if a tool is too sharp, fast, and powerful, it can cut through things it isn’t supposed to. That’s what I’m facing right now. These days it’s very easy for me to get overwhelmed, and making the most of my time in terms of productivity is a big, big challenge…so looking at my former 12-page life planning document earlier this evening was about enough to bowl me right over. The near-term goals alone were not only outdated since the last time I had the bandwidth and time to examine them, but so long that I thought, “what the heck was wrong with me? Did I seriously think there was ever a period in my life in which I could do this? Is there any way at all by which a human being could get all of this done in (1 month, 3 months, whatever)?”

Stepping back is hard, especially living in a more or less continuous consciousness of mortality – knowing that there’s a small but very real chance that I may never have the chance to step forward again. But I realized tonight that in some ways I would just never move forward unless I simplified things considerably. A business plan that demanded I work on about half a dozen different projects and promotions by last November has been pared back; I identified a handful of simple steps that should be possible sometime this month and relegated the rest to mid- or long-term goal lists…a music practice plan that demanded I learn five pieces in a month had to go; it might well be reasonable in February, but for this month I looked at it through glazed eyes and decided for now I need simpler creative fare; something easier to manage. And given a boost from achieving what I set out to do this month, who knows what I’ll be able to strive for next time?

Frustrated

Everyone has his or her own unique needs.  Some people just don’t feel like they’re alive unless they’re dancing…reading poetry…checking up on the NASDAQ…playing tennis…protesting something.  For some, life just isn’t worth living if they can’t go bear hunting…scuba diving…antiquing.  For me, there is just something very crucial missing when I’m not making music.   But I’m getting yet another taste of what it’s like not to fulfill that need – how it happens, why, what it feels like…it’s not what you’d expect.

I haven’t played guitar much in a while, despite thinking about it a lot.  I tried to figure out where exactly all my time and energy are going if they aren’t going to my music.  The answer is interesting: waiting.

As I work to develop my business or find part-time work to complement it, I find that I am waiting all the time.  Some days I sit somewhere literally for an hour or more, humbly waiting for the attention of some key person.  You might be inclined to think the waiting game would be over in my own home but it’s not.  Here, I come home and I call companies with which I have unfinished business, and I get put on hold, my calls get dropped, and half the time the person I’m speaking to  when I actually get through has no idea what I’m saying, nor I what they’re saying.  Between this and the occasional completely bizarre, unforeseen minor household or financial disaster…lately I don’t really have an evening left.

So where does the music come in?  That’s what I somehow have to answer.