I’m still alive

This is basically just me popping in for the sake of popping in, and letting anyone who may be following this blog know that it has not been abandoned.

I finally finished acting as “producer” for the RPM Challenge project I mentioned.  I noticed a post a few days ago with someone asking what participants planned to do when they finished their albums.  Some people were planning on going out to eat, others were simply planning on sleeping or cleaning house for the first time in a few weeks.  I found it strange that I wasn’t coming up with any plans of my own, but apparently my body came up with one for me – I’m somewhat sick.

Normally that would depress me, especially since it’s the fourth time in five months, which is unheard of for me, but I took this as a very clear signal that I am exhausted and in need of some renewal.  I have been sensing a period of initiation or great change coming on for a while now, and it seems that becoming slightly ill is giving me the space to actually go into that process.  It’s amazing what happens sometimes if you have a few quiet hours alone.  I’m not feeling called to go into detail, but suffice it to say that good, if challenging, things are on the horizon.

What would you do…

…if you knew you could not fail?

That question was posed to me last week in Wolf Rinke’s book, Make it a Winning Life. It was far from the first time I’d heard or read the question, but it hit me like a ton of bricks this time.

Most of my life, I have lived as if I had this question tattooed on my forearm for easy reference. Similarly I read Goethe’s quote as a teenager…

Whatever you can do, or think you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

…and thought not, “wow” or “gee, I wonder if…” but, “thank goodness someone with the verbal grace and influence to make it known saw this truth.” I find it interesting how sometimes it’s not my older self but my younger self I need to reach to for guidance.

At 20, I must say I had it pretty “together” in some powerful and unusual ways. Even then, folks in their forties and fifties enjoyed communicating with me, and I think part of it was a blend of tactfulness and straightforwardness. I would wait for the right time and place, but I definitely called it as I saw it and did what I felt moved to do even if it seemed unconventional, especially when I felt the stakes were exceptionally high. But in recent times, I’ve noticed myself doing these strange little mazurkas around what I really want to say, especially when there’s something quite important that needs to be made quite clear…and wondering, “if I try to do this, will it happen or will I just end up embarrassing myself?”

There’s a reason why I read books like Make it a Winning Life. I’ve started asking myself, what would I do if I knew I could not fail? The effects are already dual.

For one, there’s the sudden increase in action and willingness. Phone calls are happening a little quicker – not that they were at all slow or delayed before, but they’re happening, say, before I shower in the morning instead of after. I’m starting to wonder if perhaps the time has come to work on a second CD, and if maybe today could be the day I get the tech support I need to get my CBR software running. It doesn’t seem so improbable anymore that I could master more than one of the instruments I have in the house, though it would surely take years of effort.   I’m wondering if perhaps, despite my busyness, I could do some more soft sculpture work once in a while just for creative variety.  What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Start now, and have faith.

Also I’m starting to notice the Pygmalion effect more than usual. When I don’t doubt that something will work, it usually does. If I just throw the book, it will end up on the bed in just the right place. Nevertheless, if I think I’m going to have trouble opening a container of pomegranate tea, I end up wearing part of it. If I rattle off an impromptu rhyme (think something like a comedic version of a poetry slam) and don’t imagine myself having any trouble with it, it comes out clear as a bell. If, on the other hand, I’m worried about stumbling over something much shorter with a lot of alliteration, however, such as ordering a “blueberry bliss” smoothie…well, last time I went to the counter feeling wound up I ordered a “blueberry briss.” Well, if the blueberries are Semitic, male, and eight days old I suppose it’s time…and hiring a rabbi to help the barista would certainly explain why a simple cup of pureed fruit costs $5…

Well, now that I have a lot of disturbing questions in my head regarding the circumcision of fruit, I suppose I’ll wrap it up by saying that this is turning out to be a good question to ask myself. And what about you, the reader? What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Rebellion and Ergonomics

I’ve been working pretty hard lately.  Promotions have taken up a lot of my time, as have practicing lomilomi and a host of other things.  Friday I felt myself beginning to rebel.

I’d just been working too much, too long, too hard, and the fact that I wasn’t really seeing commensurate results was really making the whole thing exhausting.  I finally got my body straightened out on Wednesday – I needed a massage very badly indeed – but my brain and my spirit were still balking at my overall workload.  So I pushed forward through yesterday afternoon, after which I still had things to do but nothing that absolutely had to be done right this second.   So I spent the night alternating between watching Complaints Choirs on YouTube and reading The Da Vinci Code.  (I don’t normally read much fiction but this was a gift from a dear friend.)  I don’t think I’d done a reading marathon like that in at least half a year.  It was a much-needed break.

Today my morning was pretty much spoken for before it started; I was headed to church and then had a few errands to run.  I’ve done a lot of work (errands, studying, things along those lines) today again but the good news is I got almost all the critical stuff on my list accomplished before 9pm, and there’s also been some time just for creative and enjoyable things – more reading, practicing Native American flute and violin, hugging the cat.  So I think the tide is turning; while I don’t expect to run out of work/errands to do anytime soon, it seems like there’s a little more room for me in all of this mess all of a sudden.

Following my massage Wednesday I was pain-free for the first time in a few days, and I’ve started relaxing enough to remember how to play the violin without clamping it like a vise under my chin.  I adjusted my desktop computer setup so it’s a bit easier to manage, but I still don’t find it a cozy place to sit.  I’ve been trying to stay away from it, which I think has actually helped me find something else I need – it’s too soon as of yet to tell whether it’s time that was previously being eaten up by surfing for info or whether it’s just the feeling of not being tied to this box constantly – being free.  All I know is it feels better.

Well, since I still have a couple of hours before bedtime, I think it’s a good time to go practice another instrument and enjoy myself.

I might be a bit quiet for a while…

…or I might not.  It all depends on how my body is feeling.

My beloved massage therapist’s departure for New Mexico last month left me without a bodywork provider.  If you’re sitting there making fun of me, I invite you to stop!  Not everyone feels a strong need for bodywork but imagine this.  You are…

• over six feet tall, living in a world full of spaces and objects designed for people nearly a foot shorter than yourself.  This means nothing is supportive to your back and you feel cramped almost everywhere you go.
• a professional bodyworker yourself.  You are forever kneading and thumbing and rubbing and lifting and kneeling and standing and balancing…in short, you are running yourself ragged relaxing other people, and are therefore just plain tired.
• on the computer CONSTANTLY…in an ergonomic situation that all too easily goes way out of whack.
• doing weight training.  Enough said.
• playing a ton of different musical instruments, some of which you have been well trained in and others of which you’ve had to simply teach yourself from books.  (My new-to-me, insane-bargain-on-eBay, used violin arrived last night, but I don’t dare play it too much yet.  I haven’t picked one up in six years and while I can actually make it sound pretty good already, I can feel my shoulder girdle locking up trying to keep it in place, so I need to either read up on my ergonomics or somehow get lessons to refresh my memory.)

This is someone who needs a bodyworker regularly. Until I can manage that again, the easiest factor to limit (I think) is computer time, so I might not write quite as frequently as I have been until I find some more support for my poor body.  But I will definitely be back, still fairly often, so don’t move that bookmark!