ProTools is now installed

Can I hear an “alleluia”?! I finally called in a computer expert. Sounds like he did in an hour what I’d been struggling to do for over a month. Let it never be said I didn’t try to be independent…or that I didn’t know when to call in a pro because I’d fallen flat on my face. So tomorrow I’ll pick up my computer and start evaluating how difficult it seems it will be to use the program, and from there I’ll make my decision about RPM Challenge 2008.

Also, this was another TaKeTiNa weekend! I know I’ve sung its praises before here, but this is just highly powerful work/play…and a ton of fun – highly recommended for anyone interested in rhythm, the learning process, or consciousness and awareness.

This is more a brief check-in; I’m in a quiet place and feel like I need to get a few more things before bed, and I’d like to get some sleep and hopefully get up early enough for my errands tomorrow. More fanciful and detailed blogging is on the way later this week though!

Preparation or Bike-shedding?

“…Well, with all that talk of changing the infrastructure and the punctuation conventions and things like that, it just sounds like a lot of bike-shedding going on there,” he said casually, grabbing a would-be escapee anchovy with his fork.

“Bike-shedding?”  I was sure I’d heard wrong.

“Oh, you haven’t heard that one?,” he said between bites of pizza.  “Well, the idea is ‘hey, we’re building the world’s best bike shed’…meanwhile the bicycle is out rusting in the rain, which means that even a tarp thrown over it would be better than waiting for the very innovative shed.”

“So kind of like ‘best is the enemy of better’?”

“More or less.”

I got in around 8pm and was up until 4:30am last night.  What was I doing all that time?  I can’t say that I remember, actually.  All I know is it was mostly stuff on my to-do list, and most of the stuff on my to-do list tends to be an intermediate step toward a bigger goal.  The main things I remember doing were sending emails, refining my goal-setting documents, and writing a comedy script…don’t give me that look, now…yes, I was writing a comedy script!  And yes, I had a reason for doing it.

I still don’t have ProTools set up.  I’m hoping to get that done this afternoon, but realistically there is no guarantee it’s going to happen.  The folks at tech support are doing their best but so far something just hasn’t quite worked…and even when I’m set up with CBR, it’ll take time to learn to use it.  I don’t like the idea of opting out of this year’s RPM Challenge though, so I’m considering that if nothing else I could either take baby steps into using ProTools or firing up the multitracker for one more month…in either case my novelty album concept would be a way to participate without making myself crazy.  It occurred to me that it would be great to have some spoken-word pieces in between songs to sort of flesh out the character who’s at the center of the musical concept…so I’ve been writing a script.

Oddly enough, I still go to bed at night feeling that I haven’t accomplished much for my music.  It occurred to me that it’s because even if I spend two hours writing a comedy script and it’s part of a recording project and it goes really well and I really enjoy it…I’m still not making music.  In fact what I’m doing is…

• writing a script, so I can…
• record a fake conversation with a fictional character, so I can…
• get a better sense of what some of the song concepts I haven’t yet settled on will be, so I can…
• write a bunch of novelty songs, so I can…
• record a bunch of novelty songs, so I can…
• be in RPM challenge and be doing something focused and musical, so I can…
• keep my fire on until I’m ready to do something “serious.”

I’m not saying I’ve decided this is bike-shedding…there’s a good chance I’ll go ahead and do it because it is fun and I’ve long wanted to give myself permission to take some time and do some things that are just plain silly…but it seems like an awfully long detour to take just to work around my problems with CBR and my need for creative motivation.  And I have to decide whether by doing this now I would be taking a pleasant little romp in the field of parodies, or detracting attention that I need to give to my “mainstream” efforts.

Writing and dreaming

Last night was full of strange dreams, but there was one I really enjoyed…

It’s a bright spring day on the playground at my old grade school in Chicago, and today there’s a festival of a sort I don’t ever remember seeing there – balloons and food and people of every age and size running around enjoying themselves, eagerly awaiting the beginning of the music from the bandstand. I have no idea who’s going to be performing, but I recognize the singers when they come out on stage in their richly ornamented Mongolian garb – Huun Huur Tu, who to my knowledge are the premier traditional Tuvan throat-singing band in existence today. This in and of itself is a delightful shock – I didn’t imagine that the Parent-Teacher League members of my Midwestern Lutheran grade school were likely to know what throat-singing was, much less to attract one of the finest ensembles from the other side of the globe to perform at a school function. And now my joy is complete…knowing of my fondness for and enthusiastic (if limited) background in throat-singing, I am invited to lead a jam session on my guitar! I have to think fast…I have no choice but to ask them to harmonize on an American folk tune, unless I am prepared to noodle out – and run a distinct risk of butchering – “Arti-Sayir,” one of the most beloved Tuvan melodies. I think of an American tune which I can literally hear them singing in my head. I sweep across the expanse of the playground in a gossamer ensemble of billowing red and orange fabric which I have long dreamed of, and reflect that I am no longer the too-tall, pale-skinned, painfully quiet misfit that so many classmates taunted during my attendance at the fortress of parochial education that still towers above the crowd of fair-goers…today I am an accomplished and musically gregarious misfit who apparently even commands some degree of respect and attention! I reach for my guitar, hoping I can remember enough of the lyrics to lead competently…

Of course, internal pushes to live my musicianship come and go with time…but they’re coming from the outside now too. Last year I participated in RPM Challenge and recorded my first album, Back to One. The idea of RPM Challenge sounds ridiculous at first – recording an album to the best of one’s ability in one month – but the process can actually yield a beautiful product, and certainly kicks one’s creative tuchus into high gear for a few weeks, which can be a much-needed boost. Well, February is coming up, and the good folks at RPM Challenge HQ haven’t missed a beat – they’re already reminding past participants that the time to sign up for this year’s month of musical madness is beginning. I have to admit it’s tempting – insane, but tempting.

Again, if I can get ProTools working in time it will become a possibility…but then I have to ask myself if it’s a wise thing to consider. There are certainly reasons to do it…

• I have no day job right now, which means that if I really want to stay up until 3am making recordings, I certainly can.
• It’d be a heckuva crash course in using ProTools.
• It’s time to really jump on my music again, which this would force me to do – to write as fast as I could print up blank sheet music and record as quickly as my nimble little fingers will cooperate.
• If I don’t do it now, there’s an excellent chance I’ll have a lot of trouble summoning up the energy and focus to do it at another time…frankly I’m not well-known as a musician and I don’t think much of anyone cares if I record an album or not under most circumstances…but during RPM Challenge all of the other participants care. That’s a LOT of energy.

There are also reasons why it’s not necessarily a great idea…

• I have no day job right now, which means I need to be looking for work.
• It’d be a heckuva crash course in using ProTools, which might be really stressful.
• It’s time to jump on my music again, but I really need to work on my repertoire and get out and perform more than I need to make another album.
• When I think of recording, what excites me is not so much the idea of just making another album, but making a better album with richer, more interesting instrumental textures. I don’t know if I could do that and write and learn new music and learn new equipment all in a month.
• I don’t want to push myself too hard, period, and I already have a ton of goals happening. I just saved myself from the bloody brink of total, across-the-board burnout not too long ago; I don’t want to plummet back in.

…Of course if I wanted to take the pressure off I could always start a new account and spend a month on a novelty album that I’ve been considering for a while…that would be something to accomplish if I could and no big deal if I couldn’t.

Ah, decisions, decisions…I’m not really sure what to do. In the meantime though, whether I’m going to make a new album or not, one thing is certain: I can’t go wrong writing another song.

Yeeehaaaaaa!

I’m just feeling good these days.  For me, some of the most exhilarating life experiences are learning, creating, and healing – healing either the self or someone else.  And more and more, it seems like I’m engaged in at least one of those tasks most of the time.

In particular I’ve found there’s a lot I need to learn before I can create and heal the way I intend, and so I’ve spent progressively more time during my day in that process.  Many days I will read or watch something related to massage or practice management; practice guitar, violin, and flute; work with some self-improvement book or books; and go over vocabulary words in Hawaiian, learn new signs in ASL (American Sign Language).  I don’t do a lot of each of these, since I am in fact working on my business and looking for work opportunities every day too, but I do make little bits of progress each day.

It’s exciting living with a mind that changes and develops a little each day.  I feel better prepared to deal with things; I feel more interested in the details of everything…you know, I made a decision very early on in life not to take recreational drugs, and I’m all the more glad now that I never did it because what I’m experiencing right now seems to meet or exceed the most positive descriptions I’ve ever heard of that sort of experience…and I can still drive just fine and I don’t feel like eating an entire box of Twinkies afterward.  When I can actually grant myself the time to sit down and do some songwriting I bet it’ll be a trip!

What would you do…

…if you knew you could not fail?

That question was posed to me last week in Wolf Rinke’s book, Make it a Winning Life. It was far from the first time I’d heard or read the question, but it hit me like a ton of bricks this time.

Most of my life, I have lived as if I had this question tattooed on my forearm for easy reference. Similarly I read Goethe’s quote as a teenager…

Whatever you can do, or think you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

…and thought not, “wow” or “gee, I wonder if…” but, “thank goodness someone with the verbal grace and influence to make it known saw this truth.” I find it interesting how sometimes it’s not my older self but my younger self I need to reach to for guidance.

At 20, I must say I had it pretty “together” in some powerful and unusual ways. Even then, folks in their forties and fifties enjoyed communicating with me, and I think part of it was a blend of tactfulness and straightforwardness. I would wait for the right time and place, but I definitely called it as I saw it and did what I felt moved to do even if it seemed unconventional, especially when I felt the stakes were exceptionally high. But in recent times, I’ve noticed myself doing these strange little mazurkas around what I really want to say, especially when there’s something quite important that needs to be made quite clear…and wondering, “if I try to do this, will it happen or will I just end up embarrassing myself?”

There’s a reason why I read books like Make it a Winning Life. I’ve started asking myself, what would I do if I knew I could not fail? The effects are already dual.

For one, there’s the sudden increase in action and willingness. Phone calls are happening a little quicker – not that they were at all slow or delayed before, but they’re happening, say, before I shower in the morning instead of after. I’m starting to wonder if perhaps the time has come to work on a second CD, and if maybe today could be the day I get the tech support I need to get my CBR software running. It doesn’t seem so improbable anymore that I could master more than one of the instruments I have in the house, though it would surely take years of effort.   I’m wondering if perhaps, despite my busyness, I could do some more soft sculpture work once in a while just for creative variety.  What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Start now, and have faith.

Also I’m starting to notice the Pygmalion effect more than usual. When I don’t doubt that something will work, it usually does. If I just throw the book, it will end up on the bed in just the right place. Nevertheless, if I think I’m going to have trouble opening a container of pomegranate tea, I end up wearing part of it. If I rattle off an impromptu rhyme (think something like a comedic version of a poetry slam) and don’t imagine myself having any trouble with it, it comes out clear as a bell. If, on the other hand, I’m worried about stumbling over something much shorter with a lot of alliteration, however, such as ordering a “blueberry bliss” smoothie…well, last time I went to the counter feeling wound up I ordered a “blueberry briss.” Well, if the blueberries are Semitic, male, and eight days old I suppose it’s time…and hiring a rabbi to help the barista would certainly explain why a simple cup of pureed fruit costs $5…

Well, now that I have a lot of disturbing questions in my head regarding the circumcision of fruit, I suppose I’ll wrap it up by saying that this is turning out to be a good question to ask myself. And what about you, the reader? What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Rebellion and Ergonomics

I’ve been working pretty hard lately.  Promotions have taken up a lot of my time, as have practicing lomilomi and a host of other things.  Friday I felt myself beginning to rebel.

I’d just been working too much, too long, too hard, and the fact that I wasn’t really seeing commensurate results was really making the whole thing exhausting.  I finally got my body straightened out on Wednesday – I needed a massage very badly indeed – but my brain and my spirit were still balking at my overall workload.  So I pushed forward through yesterday afternoon, after which I still had things to do but nothing that absolutely had to be done right this second.   So I spent the night alternating between watching Complaints Choirs on YouTube and reading The Da Vinci Code.  (I don’t normally read much fiction but this was a gift from a dear friend.)  I don’t think I’d done a reading marathon like that in at least half a year.  It was a much-needed break.

Today my morning was pretty much spoken for before it started; I was headed to church and then had a few errands to run.  I’ve done a lot of work (errands, studying, things along those lines) today again but the good news is I got almost all the critical stuff on my list accomplished before 9pm, and there’s also been some time just for creative and enjoyable things – more reading, practicing Native American flute and violin, hugging the cat.  So I think the tide is turning; while I don’t expect to run out of work/errands to do anytime soon, it seems like there’s a little more room for me in all of this mess all of a sudden.

Following my massage Wednesday I was pain-free for the first time in a few days, and I’ve started relaxing enough to remember how to play the violin without clamping it like a vise under my chin.  I adjusted my desktop computer setup so it’s a bit easier to manage, but I still don’t find it a cozy place to sit.  I’ve been trying to stay away from it, which I think has actually helped me find something else I need – it’s too soon as of yet to tell whether it’s time that was previously being eaten up by surfing for info or whether it’s just the feeling of not being tied to this box constantly – being free.  All I know is it feels better.

Well, since I still have a couple of hours before bedtime, I think it’s a good time to go practice another instrument and enjoy myself.

I might be a bit quiet for a while…

…or I might not.  It all depends on how my body is feeling.

My beloved massage therapist’s departure for New Mexico last month left me without a bodywork provider.  If you’re sitting there making fun of me, I invite you to stop!  Not everyone feels a strong need for bodywork but imagine this.  You are…

• over six feet tall, living in a world full of spaces and objects designed for people nearly a foot shorter than yourself.  This means nothing is supportive to your back and you feel cramped almost everywhere you go.
• a professional bodyworker yourself.  You are forever kneading and thumbing and rubbing and lifting and kneeling and standing and balancing…in short, you are running yourself ragged relaxing other people, and are therefore just plain tired.
• on the computer CONSTANTLY…in an ergonomic situation that all too easily goes way out of whack.
• doing weight training.  Enough said.
• playing a ton of different musical instruments, some of which you have been well trained in and others of which you’ve had to simply teach yourself from books.  (My new-to-me, insane-bargain-on-eBay, used violin arrived last night, but I don’t dare play it too much yet.  I haven’t picked one up in six years and while I can actually make it sound pretty good already, I can feel my shoulder girdle locking up trying to keep it in place, so I need to either read up on my ergonomics or somehow get lessons to refresh my memory.)

This is someone who needs a bodyworker regularly. Until I can manage that again, the easiest factor to limit (I think) is computer time, so I might not write quite as frequently as I have been until I find some more support for my poor body.  But I will definitely be back, still fairly often, so don’t move that bookmark!

Forward motion at last

There are some days when I look at my to-do list for the day and think, “I should be able to get all this done pretty reasonably.”  This usually turns out to be a somewhat exaggerated prediction.  But I’ve deliberately worked lately toward having both shorter daily lists and more balanced ones – ones that include inherently satisfying activities as well as things I’m doing simply out of necessity.  I got up early today and got rolling, and while it will still be a challenge, I think I can actually achieve what’s left…

• blog [in progress]
• practice guitar
• clean house for lomilomi practice [for a limited time; not to do the whole project at once]
• go over ongoing project list
• work with a book on spirituality or life planning
• pack tomorrow’s lunch
• watch an ASL (American Sign Language) instructional video

This will definitely keep me busy until midnight, maybe somewhat later, but I think it might happen…I might actually finish a to-do list for the day.

What’s interesting is that the stuff I did earlier was not inherently fun for the most part – getting up early for an oil change before church, doing some grocery shopping and business product runs, cleaning my incredibly messy car, taking out a large pile of trash – but I was motivated because I was aware I was lightening my load.  Not at all bad.

I’d like to reach a point – and may actually reach a point very soon – where my space and my schedule are relatively clear and I can focus more easily on creativity…and in the meantime, creativity can’t wait.  So off I go.  Time to geek out studying ASL and
play some guitar.

Make it easy, take it easy

I dare say I’m an absolute master at crafting fine castles in the air. I’m smart enough not to ask anyone to stay the night inside without putting a foundation in underneath them, which is an edge I have over many of my fellow daydream-architects, but dang it, unless I can at least install a staircase nearby, I can’t even look in the windows myself.

Now, I think you almost have to be able to see the mansions in the clouds; it’s part of goal setting and life planning. I’m a big fan of setting and achieving broad, long-ranging goals for multiple areas of life; in fact I have a rather long, bullet-point-driven document on another window of this very computer that details how I want to develop health-wise, spiritually, artistically, and vocationally. It’s my understanding that this is one of the keys to success in life; having detailed, specific, written plans for what you want and how you plan to achieve it.

The trouble with me sometimes is that I tend to create such ridiculously detailed blueprints that they overwhelm me when I’m not on top of my game. ["PLACE TOASTER HERE, ON/OFF SWITCH FACING FRONT OF COUNTER, UNLESS EQUIPPED TO TOAST 4 OR MORE SLICES SIMULTANEOUSLY, IN WHICH CASE SEE FIG. 89..."] Also they aren’t exceptionally adjustment-friendly; if I get caught up in one respect, the whole sub-plan gets thrown off and I usually have to change several or many things, which is very demoralizing.

Sometimes people ask me how a gal my age (old enough not to specify what that age is ) got to be so serious and cerebral and in such a hurry, but it actually comes from a very feelingful place; I value life, and I understand that I don’t have an unlimited amount of time on this earth. In fact, the only thing I know for sure about my lifespan is that it will eventually end…so until it does I’m going to put every drop of juice in my being into achieving and experiencing and enjoying what I can. My mind is a very sharp, fast, and powerful tool, and that’s why I use it as much as I do – planning, figuring out how I’m going to get there, wherever there may be…

But if a tool is too sharp, fast, and powerful, it can cut through things it isn’t supposed to. That’s what I’m facing right now. These days it’s very easy for me to get overwhelmed, and making the most of my time in terms of productivity is a big, big challenge…so looking at my former 12-page life planning document earlier this evening was about enough to bowl me right over. The near-term goals alone were not only outdated since the last time I had the bandwidth and time to examine them, but so long that I thought, “what the heck was wrong with me? Did I seriously think there was ever a period in my life in which I could do this? Is there any way at all by which a human being could get all of this done in (1 month, 3 months, whatever)?”

Stepping back is hard, especially living in a more or less continuous consciousness of mortality – knowing that there’s a small but very real chance that I may never have the chance to step forward again. But I realized tonight that in some ways I would just never move forward unless I simplified things considerably. A business plan that demanded I work on about half a dozen different projects and promotions by last November has been pared back; I identified a handful of simple steps that should be possible sometime this month and relegated the rest to mid- or long-term goal lists…a music practice plan that demanded I learn five pieces in a month had to go; it might well be reasonable in February, but for this month I looked at it through glazed eyes and decided for now I need simpler creative fare; something easier to manage. And given a boost from achieving what I set out to do this month, who knows what I’ll be able to strive for next time?

Keep on frettin’ away…or something…

In addition to my primary instrument, guitar, there’s a host of other instruments I play to at least a limited degree. My technical limitations mostly reflect limitations on the time I’ve put into each. I’ve actually obtained several of these instruments within the past two years, a time in which I’ve been ridiculously busy, so it’s been hard to keep up.

I decided, however, that some baby steps were needed to keep myself moving, so I chose one non-primary instrument and created a goal to play it – at least a little – every day for a month. I started yesterday…the trick will be to make another session happen tonight. These days spent doing promotions for my massage practice tend to be a bit on the long side at times, particularly when it’s slow like today, and I might be stopping by a friend’s for a little New Year’s gathering later.

Finally, this has to be a rushed acknowledgment, but thanks to my buddy Barry for taking me out for a great New Year’s Eve. The music and dancing were much needed…and the incredible dinner fueled me up in more ways than one.